Two weeks to the day. I went back to my OB for the follow up today. I talked to my sister on the phone as I waited in the lobby. All the distraction in the world couldn't have kept me from feeling the vacancy inside of me as I looked around at a room full of baby bumps. I wanted to look them each in the eye and tell them just how blessed they were and to enjoy every second. As I sat in the same room I had waited in 2 weeks before, I looked out the window at the dark sky. The rain seemed fitting for my mood. I could hear the doctor talking in the next room and the heart doppler tracking a tiny heart beat. What I would have given to hear that sound in my own room. I kept trying to pray and give my feelings to the Lord but I was just overwhelmed by the feeling "It wasn't supposed to happen this way." I was supposed to be in there having the the ultrasound to determine the sex so I could pick out paint colors for the nursery. The dr came in and we talked for a good while. I held it together better than I thought I would until she asked me if I felt depressed, if I needed a prescription for anything to help. Maybe something about admitting I need help makes me feel weak. I dont know. She tried to explain the best way she could that she wanted to wait for the results of Corbyn's autopsy before we move forward but that there was some abnormal blood clotting in the placenta that COULD be cause for concern but we wont move forward with exploring that until Corbyn's results and I was at least a month out from delivery so that my hormones could level out. Of course I asked all the worst case scenario questions and if it would be dangerous for me to get pregnant again. She told me I shouldn't even consider getting pregnant again for at least 3 months and until we know more. The next step would be to meet with a specialist to see if pregnancy would be a safe option. Phil of course heard the silver lining as he often does that finding this out now could be something that saved my life possibly. I couldn't help but focus on the part that there was any possibility at all that I may never feel the movement of a little one inside again. We have always talked about wanting to adopt, and I still have that desire. But there is something about the possible finality of never being able to have more kids that breaks my heart all over again. I know I go to the furthest extreme but I think thats my way of emotionally preparing for the worst and if its not that bad it will be a pleasant surprise. We should know the results from Corbyn's tests in the next 2 weeks. We had an Advocare event tonight. I seriously wanted to stay in bed. The thought of making chit chat all night just did not appeal to me, but we thought maybe it would be a good distraction. The first person we saw was an adorable pregnant girl in a maternity Advocare shirt. Ok, I can handle that. Then we saw another acquaintance and she obviously unknowingly said "Bekah, you look great! You don't even look pregnant!" When I told her "I'm not, we lost the baby," the look on her face was what I am dreading the most. People not knowing what to say and feeling so bad, then I feel bad- it just sucks. I start back to work tomorrow and am trying to prepare myself for many more of those moments to come. I dont want to have to manage people trying to manage me, even though I know their heart is coming from a place of love! Its once again another bitter sweet tangle of emotions.