Physically drained

Today I felt the most physical pain yet. I was having full on contractions this afternoon. They say that's normal, your uterus going back down to size. I guess my body is ready to "go back to normal."  I told Phil this morning I am trying to let myself stay in the hurt, its the most natural reaction for me to want to just put everything behind me and begin moving forward. But I don't want to revert back to what I usually do, it has not worked up until this point for me! Even this morning I found myself naturally putting my hand over my stomach and it was a bitter reminder she is no longer there. I think today I was feeling the physical pain and the physical void of not having her there. Somehow the physical pain was like putting something concrete to the emotional pain. Like putting a face to a name. Some small part of me had the thought of wanting to get pregnant again as soon as we can, to pick up where we left off with Corbyn and still be excited for bringing home a baby. But I know that every other time I have tried to fill the voids in my heart with anything besides God, it does not fill any void at least not any longer than anything temporary. So I am trying to just let myself be, and let God teach me everything he has for me in this place. I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to have to learn these lessons again! This morning Kinzley came in while I was in the bathroom...she said "Mommy, when I grow up and have a baby in my tummy like you and she goes to Heaven like Corbyn..." I didn't even hear the rest of what she asked but I told her I prayed her babies won't go to heaven until they are grown and out of her tummy. Then Braxton came and lifted my shirt and all but demanded to give the baby a kiss, (this was part of our morning routine.) When I tried to explain the baby wasn't in there that she had to go bye-bye he got very mad at me. It just about broke my heart. On a brighter note of the day, we have felt so blessed by the continued love and support. The cards and meals and prayers have blessed us and our hearts. My wonderful mother in law brought over a beautiful little angel that now sits on the mantle. So sweet and thoughtful to have a daily reminder of Corbyn's presence in our life.  I was so touched today by my amazing co-workers. They pulled together and brought over some amazing gifts for us. Coloring books for each of the kids, an amazing necklace for Phil- so fitting for him. A cross and a dog tag with 3-28-11 on it. I know it is something he will always treasure and probably never take off. I was so blessed and touched that they not only thought of me but also my family. Wow. They brought me the most beautiful bracelet with a heart and a tiny angel on it with a little cross, also engraved with 3-28-11 on it. I can't even begin to describe how much it meant to me- to feel the love and support from the amazing people I get to work beside day in and day out. That they care that much about me to do such a thoughtful and meaningful gift for not only me, but my husband and children too?? It blows me away then generosity of these incredible people. I don't know if they will ever know how deeply it touched my heart. Its funny in the time of tragedy its always the people you never would have expected are the ones who step up and are your biggest cheerleaders. I would have been thankful for a card from them, which they also brought with an envelope of cash. Which will be a huge help while I'm off of work recovering. I just was so thankful for not only a generous gift but the heart posture behind it. Three of the girls from the salon came and sat with me today. They brought comfort and words of encouragement. They offered anything I need, to come clean my house, fold laundry, babysit my kids, wash and style my hair to help me feel better. It just literally blew me away. So thoughtful and so generous. I just cant help but to be thankful for the our pour of love and support for those around us. How many women lose a pregnancy every day, and our society just tells them to get back to normal. No time to grieve, no one to share the heart break or tears? I admit, I was one that heard "miscarriage" and thought how sad and unfortunate but these things sometimes just happen. How grateful I am to have so many recognize Corbyn's life and meaning to us, meaning to the loss of her life? The girls and I were talking today what a strange emotion it was to go thru child birth, what an amazing experience and even though hard you walk away thinking "WOW! I want to do that again!" (at least thats how it was for us). I feel so blessed that God still allowed me to go thru the birthing process. There is something empowering about it and what a gift that God let me have that moment! As sad as I  have felt in the midst, I can't help but praise him for all the blessings he allowed me. I was sicker than sick with both Kinzley and Braxton's pregnancies. I didn't get sick a day of this pregnancy. I can't help but wonder was that because there was something wrong and my body was not producing the proper hormones and thats why I wasn't sick or was it God's grace to let me enjoy every second of the 4 short months I got to carry her? It was such a gift to enjoy a pregnancy. I truly feel that God has given me peace about every question I needed answered this side of heaven. I know until I see Him face to face I will never fully understand but I am so thankful for the gifts and blessings he has given me. I feel like he has truly given me everything I needed. From a pregnancy I could enjoy, to still getting to deliver her. Hold her, have all the keepsakes from the hospital, all the validation from friends and family that her life mattered. To have a sense of joy and a heart of thankfulness is such an answer to prayer. You always wonder in the face of sorrow, would I still praise God or would it break my faith? He has answered questions I never hoped to have the answers to but his faithfulness is so good. His presence has been so available to me, so real. So many endure heartache and wonder "Where is God in this?" I am so thankful to feel him so near and that he has given me the tools I need to continue praising him. That song Praise you in this storm says "You are who you are no matter where I am." Thank heavens for that. This process has also aloud a closeness with my mom I have never experienced. Its been hard in the past for me to connect fully on a heart level with my mom. She is very strong, and I rarely have been able to see thru her strength to a softer place. But, throughout this process she has grieved right along side of me, cried with me and written beautiful words of support. She was with me at the hospital, held little Corbyn and been such a support and encouragement thru this process. To hear her say she is proud of me, has been so powerful. I feel God using this to break down walls in her too. She brought over a gift basket of beautiful flowers to be planted including "Forget me nots."  Her thoughtfulness and support thru this has meant the world to me. To be able to be vulnerable and real with my emotions with her has not been something that has come easy in the past, but now I feel a closeness with her I have longed for. What an answer to prayer. Its so interesting for me to see God use Kinzley to make me aware of the wall around my heart and Corbyn to help break it down! It has humbled me to allow my daughters to be such teachers for me, aren't I supposed to be the one teaching them?! And even how he is using me as a daughter to have break thru with my mom?! So amazing, and so sweet. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing all of this, but I can't help but praise God for it! I just want to thank you all for the continued prayers, letters of support and encouragement, beautiful gifts and kind words. It blesses and blows us away beyond belief! We love you all and pray that you know God's relentless pursuit of your hearts as he has pursued ours. ~A daughter and mothers heart.