A new day

Today was rough. I couldn't seem to get out of bed until after noon. I woke up at 6am with a tear soaked pillow and overcoming sorrow. I snuggled up to Phil and he held me close as I wept. I always have wondered what a tragedy would do to our marriage. They always say it either brings you closer or tares you apart. Being aware of this wall around my heart, I always felt the only way I knew to deal with pain was to retreat internally and shut down. Shut people out. I thought I had a total inability to open my heart, let anyone in, let alone let someone be a comfort to me. It has been such an interesting week for me, my biggest fear has come true, I am literally walking thru the very event that I feared would completely cripple me, and yet God's gentleness has been so available to me in the midst. Its like God is showing me a strength I didn't know he had given me, an ability to feel sadness, which I have never really let myself feel out of fear the the sadness would be all consuming and totally take me out. God says when we are weak he is strong, in my weakest of broken hearts he is giving me his strength and comfort in such a real and sweet way I can't help but to be thankful to Him. I have never felt closer to Phil, never felt my heart so soft to him or so vulnerable before my husband in my life. What a gift. Even in the name of suffering to feel such blessing, its such a strange vast of emotions. One of my hardest battles has been to give validity to my emotions, I have not allowed myself to feel them bc I can always reason why whatever I am feeling is not an appropriate feeling, or its judgemental or wrong in some way, "un-Christian" if you will. But thru this experience of loosing Corbyn, God has blessed me with such validity for my feelings. Letting myself just be in the sadness and feel it, be aware of it, not run from it and just let myself rest in it. Even though it has felt hard and of course sad, there is something that feels good about just letting myself BE. To be where ever I am at. God is just meeting me in such sweet intimacy in the deepest places of sorrow of my heart, and I can't help but be thankful for his presence and closeness, for his comfort. This morning I stayed in bed until almost 1:00pm. I drifted in and out of sleep and prayer. At one point thru my endless tears I asked God, "Why didn't you save her??" and he so sweetly and gently answered me.     "I did."  More tears. I can't remember how many times I have said I wish I could keep my kids protected in a bubble from the injustice of this world. How amazing that Corbyn is in the greatest "bubble" I could have ever put her in?! She will never have to feel the heartbreak or suffering this world has to offer. She will only ever know the perfect joy and peace that Heaven gives. How can I be mad at God for that? When I was trying to wrap my head around why he ever even let me get pregnant with her I had the overwhelming sense that he created her so that we could spend eternity with her. I was reflecting over all the moments we will miss out on with her, all the Christmas mornings, birthdays, proms, seeing Phil walk her down the isle to give her away. My heart will always ache for those lost moments, but God says we are but a speck of dust in the wind in the grand scheme of time. We will miss out on a short time together on earth but have eternity of a perfect life together. I couldn't help but think of all the babies that are taken before their time here on earth even begin. How many mothers experience this and don't have any children at home already. I realized how blessed we are to have two beautiful babies to hold and snuggle and hear their giggles and cries. But I also realized how bittersweet that blessing is, because we know how much we are missing out on with Corbyn. I know the joys of getting to nurse them, see them take the first steps and the first words. Cheering them on in their successes and comforting them in their heartbreaks. Seeing how much fun Braxton and Kinzley have together and wondering what Corbyn's personality would have added to their dynamic! I was so blessed today by my brother Ben. I had asked him to edit our pictures of Corbyn from the hospital. I wasn't sure if he would be comfortable editing them, or if he would be insensitive and think they were gross. But he was so gracious and sweet. It blessed me so much. I have been so thankful for all of the words of encouragement even about this blog. Having people recognize and validate Corbyn~a blessed and heavy heart