Tiny Angel

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. At this time yesterday, I just finished getting my first maternity massage and was heading to the doctor for my routine 16 week checkup. I had my precious little Kinzley with me (almost 4yrs old.) We went in to hear the heart beat on the doppler. A quick in and out visit. I was excited to schedule our next visit to have the ultrasound to determine the sex. We had already planned a "Baby Sex Reveal" party for the last week in April. Names picked and started designing what we wanted to do with the nursery. No heart beat. The Dr said "Lets go take a peek on the scan" Kinzley was dancing around and singing as soon as she saw the baby on the ultrasound screen. I knew as soon as I saw the screen there was no movement. She showed me where the heart beat should be, but was not there. I broke. Kinzley was so confused and they took her out to the front desk to color and wait for grandma. When Phil came in she was coloring and crying. She said "Mommy is sad, so I am coloring her these pictures for her. Once Phil was there and the kids were with my mom our Dr sent us straight to the hospital. We waited for what seemed like a year. They finally brought someone in to do another scan to confirm. The baby was gone. The specialist kept referring to it as "the fetus." They called it a spontaneous abortion. The term sickens me. And abortion is a choice. I did not choose death for my child. She was chosen and loved and wanted more than anything. Hours later they finally moved me into a labor room. It was explained they would give me medicine vaginally to soften the cervix and cause me to go into labor. They said the procedure would be extremely painful and they would recommend the epidural. So after hours of waiting for blood counts and enough fluid bags pumped thru me they were able to start the epidural. Now mind you by this point I have been poked 6 times by 4 different nurses or doctors trying to draw my blood and get an IV started. They blew 2 veins in each of my arms. I have some lovely bruises and swelling from all the attempts. They had to wait over an hr for the blood results and get at least a bag and a half of fluids in me to start the epidural. Just my luck the epidural only took on the right side and only from my thigh down. By 10pm they still had not started the medicine to induce labor. I was miserably uncomfortable from the half working epidural. My Dr called to check in and seemed pretty frustrated that I had been there since noon and they still had not started the medicine. So they went a different route for the medicine, one that I would not have elected to have the epidural for and since I could still feel everything anyway, it was SO frustrating. When I asked the nurse why they were skipping the first step (more painful one), she said she didn't know because she doesn't know what the first one was for...REALLY?!?! Why would you ever tell your patient you don't know what you are giving her or what its for???  They told me to expect another 24 hours of labor. At 3am they came in to insert the next dose of inducing medicine. When she did it, my water broke. A whole new wave of reality hit, and rushing emotion overtook.  The nurse called the doctor and explained what happened. Then I heard her say "I can feel extremities" What the hell did that mean. I started freaking out trying to emotionally prepare for what was coming. Was she saying she felt an arm- as in it detached from the body?"  Then the hard part came. They told me the baby was sideways and instead of my pushing her out, we should just let nature take over and she would come out on her own and I should call them when that happens. A whole slue of things ran thru my mind. So she is just going to fall out and be laying there and I just call you to clean it up and take it away like a piece of trash or something??? I hated that I just had to wait for her to fall out. No one there to receive or catch her. When I felt her come, I called for the nurse thru a fit of raging tears. I was too scared to look, too scared of her laying there in pieces. They scooped her away in a bowl. Phil heard the one nurse ask the other "You really think they are going to want to hold that???" Then they said "Its a girl" Another wave of emotion. Kinzley wanted a sister so bad. She kept saying we were only going to keep this baby if it was a girl and that we would send it back if it was a boy. She daily would ask Jesus to let the baby be a girl. They got her cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket and brought her to me. A very surreal moment. So tiny, so perfect, such a beautiful little angel. Her hands and feet were so perfect, nails and all. Her tiny little body, so fragile and delicate. Her little eye was half open. She has her Daddy's nose, just like Kinzley and BraxtonCorbyn Elizabeth. It means ascending to heaven with God. It seemed so fitting. Corbyn Couch has a nice ring to it. The brought in a tiny handmade knitted little bassinet for Corbyn to be wrapped in. Handmade with love no doubt, by some volunteer who will never know how much her labor of love blessed our experience to hold and snuggle our precious baby girl. Phil and I got to play worship music as we prayed over Corbyn and gave her back to Jesus. What comfort we have to know she is with her maker who will take care of her until we can all be together as a family again. Corbyn you will always be a part of this family, and your absence will leave a void that can never be filled this side of heaven. Someday we will have more understanding of why this happened but until then we will pray for peace and comfort as we mourn the loss of you. I am so thankful for the short time I got to be your mommy. I will love you always and commit to keeping you as a part of this family in our hearts forever. I love you Corbyn Elizabeth Couch. I am so thankful for the gift you are to my heart and for the short time we got to have with you. Love, your brokenhearted mother