Strength

Today, I woke up feeling a little more ready to get out of bed. I thought I would feel like moping about, but I knew that would only make me feel more sad. Phil woke up feeling angry today. He said he needed to punch something, either the wall in our room or the punching bag at the gym. I requested the latter. The kids were still with his mom and I thought maybe just getting out might help. Phil punched the heavy bag until he threw up.  I took my Ipad and found the farthest treadmill in the most secluded corner and walked at a slow pace. My pastor/brother in law encouraged me to listen to his sermon from this past Sunday. It was entitled "Desperate for Jesus." Fitting enough right?! So I walked slowly and let the words carry my heart to a sweet place of intimacy with Him. He met me there. They say when we are weak, he is strong. I am finding that more true than I ever hoped to have experience. Then I went to some worship music that has seemed to be just what I have needed the last few days. I am sure the women near by must have thought I lost my mind. I closed my eyes and mouthed along to the words that have brought such comfort. The tears flowed freely and at points I found it hard to contain the weeps. They must have thought I needed committed or something. But I didn't care. Those sweet pockets of feeling Christ so close, I would act a fool for any day. I have been reflecting over the last week, seeing Gods merciful ways he has been preparing my heart for this, though I had no idea in the midst that he was doing such a thing. I started seeing a counselor a few months back. I began to realize a while ago that something was not quite right in my heart. I became aware of a wall I had built around my heart to protect myself. I was sexually abused as a young teen by a person who was supposed to protect and love me, and when that trust was betrayed it sent me down a quickly unraveling path. I made choice after choice trying to find something to ease the pain. All it did was take me further from the Lord. Thankfully, he was relentless. He wasn't letting me go that easily! He chased me with a ferocity until I just couldn't fight him anymore. And I have spent ever since relentlessly trying to chase after him. All that to say, I began seeing Holly a few months back to help me process thru all of this and especially my wall of self protection, that not only kept people out, it also kept me in. I was ready for freedom. Skip ahead to last week, I was for the first time in a long time in a really good place! Her words exactly were this, "I don't want to cause you fear or even speak this into existence, but I feel like God is preparing you for something big, that this is the calm before the storm" This however was not the storm I was anticipating. Sunday night (the evening before all hell broke loose in my world) we were watching Army Wives. The one character lost her son. Phil and I were both crying thruout the whole show and talked at length when it ended about how loosing a child has to be the greatest pain on earth. I told him, I could never loose a child I would not have the strength. The ironic part to all of this, in my blogs and in my heart I feel incredibly weak and broken. And yet so many have reached out inspired by my "strength" Its only by the grace of God that I can even get out of bed to function. Any strength that is shining thru my words of brokenness come straight from Gods mouth to your ears. Today when we went to see Holly together we talked thru a lot. She encouraged me to get in touch with my anger, if and when it comes. Even anger with God. I have a hard time getting there. You know the example of life is like a puzzle, God sees the whole picture and we only see a tiny piece? I guess thats part of why I can't get angry with God yet. I have to believe this was Gods provision for us. Maybe saving Corbyn
We got to spend the day just snuggling and loving on the kids. It made me appreciate the preciousness of those moments. The hospital gave us a tiny pink bear about the size of a beany baby. They laid it next to Corbyn in the pictures, she was the exact same size as the bear. We showed it to Kinzley and explained it was Corbyn's only snuggle friend. It has blessed me to see how special that little bear is to Kinzley and especially Phil. He has been carrying it around in his pocket with him. Something so sweet and gentle about seeing a grown man snuggling a tiny pink bear. We have been so blown away by the love and support of our friends and family. We have been so blessed by all the flowers, card, gift baskets, and meals that have been sent. Even my clients from the salon have babysat my kids, offered to let me come over and they will pamper and wait on me! And sent cards, voicemails and words of encouragement. I can't believe I have the privilege of having clients so generous and amazing. Our friends and family have been incredible. We feel so blessed and loved. Thank you for the continued prayers. We have felt them overwhelmingly. I have a fear that as the days pass and the dust settles, the encouragements slow and life must go on that that will be when the uphill battle for me truly will begin.  ~His strength in my weakness