An empty space

As I laid in the hospital bed waiting to be discharged, I felt a sadness knowing that when I walked out those doors, it would be an ending. And ending of a dream, of plans and hopes for our family and future. I kept being plagued by the thought that this wasn't how this was supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to trying to find a name fitting for a dead child. Leaving with an empty womb, empty arms and broken heart. Phil read somewhere that it would be good to get a bear or something to hold as you leave the hospital, that there is something about not leaving empty handed. He brought me a bear wrapped in Corbyn's blanket. The chaplin came in to explain everything. They would do an autopsy to rule out any genetic abnormalities and hopefully find any reason as to why, though they usually find nothing. Then they would have her cremated and we could pick up the tiny urn in a few weeks. He apologized for all the paper work and what he had to read aloud to us so we would understand what all would happen. He kept emphasizing that when she is cremated that she would be alone. No family would be in attendance and no belongings to be burned with. I had the overwhelming comfort of knowing that she won't be alone. Jesus is there with her. Even though I know her spirit is gone there seems something so wrong about her tiny body being all alone. I was so thankful for all the steps they took to honor her as a baby. I didn't expect any of that. The day nurse Heidi was so wonderful. She made little bracelets with Corbyns name on them, one of us and one for Kinzley and for Braxton. They made us a keepsake box with pictures and her footprints and some words of comfort. Once all the paper work was done they insisted I be escorted out by wheelchair. We were in the last room of the labor and delivery hall. They never moved us to recovery, I'm guessing knowing it would be too painful to be on the floor with all the babies. They wheeled me thru the hustle and bustle of a busy and exciting commotion of a busy delivery floor. It felt like the worst walk of shame ever. Being wheeled thru the delivery floor with my little box and stuffed bear. The elevators opened to the gift shop full of huge "Its a girl" balloons. It was so sad to leave knowing that was the end. I went in for a routine checkup and left a day later totally broken. The doctors told me I was in the less than 5% that this happens to and there are usually no answers. I wasn't sure how much Kinzley would understand of all of this. When my mom was taking her home last night they stopped in the bathroom. A lady was in there, Kinzley was in the stall. The lady said "Man this full moon brought on a lot of labors! Lots of new babies tonight!" From inside the stall Kinzley said "Not my mommy's baby. She went to heaven but her body stopped working so she is with Jesus but they still have to get her out of my Mommy's tummy." I guess she understood more than I gave her credit for. We have been so overcome but the outpour of support, love, prayers, encouragement, flowers, meals...etc. What a blessing to be surrounded by all of that thru such a trying time. God says he will never leave us. I know he is grieving right along side of us and that his heart is breaking with mine. Matthew 5:4 tells us Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. I am trying to let myself feel the grief of the loss. To give myself the freedom to feel the hurt and the pain and not just shove it down and distract myself, which is my normal go to. Loosing Corbyn was so much more than just the loss of a pregnancy. So much more than just a miscarriage. Its the loss of a future. When I look at Kinzley and Braxton, I can't help but wonder what the course of their lives would have looked like with a little sister. All the years of memories they would have shared. All the giggles, and tears and trouble they could have gotten into. All the late night talks she would have had with Kinzley about boys and school drama. I think of the closeness I have been blessed to share with my sisters and my heart breaks that Kinzley and Corbyn will never know that bond. It is so hard to understand why these things happen. I have felt waves of anger over all the unwanted children out there who are cast aside. God gives healthy babies to cracked out moms who don't even want them everyday. Why give us the blessing of a pregnancy, of a baby girl we wanted more than anything and then let it be taken? I took a shower when I got home and put on some worship music to have some time with Jesus to just cry and let him comfort me. The song "Praise you in this Storm" came on by Casting Crowns. If you have never heard it I would encourage you to listen to the words. One of the lines is "I praise the God who gives and takes away. I will praise you in this storm" I am feeling so thankful for his mercy to still be able to praise in the midst of such heartache. I don't think I will ever hear that song with the same heart posture again. One of our plans was to have a baby sex reveal party at the end of April. While on vacation with my whole family we were going to have a cake made- either pink or blue so once you cut the cake we would all find out together if it was a boy or girl. So many plans we had that will never come to fruition. Tonight my sister Natalie and her husband Joshua brought us dinner and a small cake in honor Corbyn's "birthday." She wrote a beautiful card to Corbyn. I'm so thankful to have so many people willing to honor her and her life. I think the dogs must know something is going on. They keep following me like a shadow, whining at my feet. Amazing how they have a sense about these things. I sit here tonight by candle light, listening to worship music that hits a little too close to home and my bruises are hurting. They are putting a physical pain to the emotional turmoil inside my heart. I'm scared for the bruises to heal, that somehow by healing I will loose her all over again. I know she would want me to have joy knowing she is in heaven and being taken way better care of there than she would have had here. But I just feel such sadness that she will never know me. Never know my mothers love and heart to protect her. Right now I am so overcome by my fathers love and mercy from above. Please keep the prayers coming as I know the following days and weeks will continue to be an uphill battle. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I pray God somehow uses these words for his Glory.