What an emotional roller coaster I have been on. We got the call Monday that Corbyn's cremation was complete and we could come pick up her ashes by Friday. I had been putting it off not sure I was ready to cross that bridge. Somehow that seemed the finality I was not quite ready for just yet. It was my 29th birthday yesterday. I usually love my birthday but yesterday I was in no mood to celebrate. We dropped the kids off with my friend Michelle while we drove to the funeral home. It was not in the best area of town and as we walked the parking lot I kept thinking over and over "Are we really here at a funeral home to pick up Corbyn's ashes? How did we get here to this place?" We walked into the dreaded parlor and immediately went back to the 1970s. It smelled like an ash tray and there were cats EVERYWHERE! It felt discusting the minute we walked in. A man met us and said "Ah yes, let me take you to where we keep the babies" He explained that bc they are so small the amount of ashes is very little. He looked over a table full of boxes saying "Couch Baby?" The table had 16 tiny boxes on it, no bigger than a watch box. 16 other tiny little angels and 16 other parents mourning and grieving the loss of a life that never got to be. They handed me the paper work to sign the certificate of cremation it read "CAROLINE ELIZABETH COUCH" I told the lady thru my sobs that her name was Corbyn, she took it back and began new paper work. The guy from the front broke out a box of tiny and Gody looking urns. He gave us a very rehearsed schmel about giving our child the respect she deserves with a nicer urn, that the hospital doesn't like them to push retail on us but we have the right to be educated that there are better options. I felt like he was one of those slimy sales men you see on the streets that open their trench coat to a bunch of fake watches. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. We left broken and defeated with our tiny jar of our beautiful daughter. It made me sick to even think of her being in that place. As he walked us to the door he said "Yeah, right after you leave we are burying a 10 month old, the little ones are always the hardest!" With his shit eating grin on his face I wanted to ask him if that was supposed to make us feel better, but I couldn't get to the car fast enough. That set the tone for the rest of the day. I felt like I was loosing her all over again and decided a tattoo of her footprints and name would be a great outward reminder that she is always with me. I was a little naive about tattoos and left there feeling defeated again. We went to the gym, we have been spending quite a bit of time there lately. Something about punching the bag til our strength is exhausted seems to be helping us. I think I have said more obscenities in the last 2 weeks than I have my whole life. The F word has found its way into my vocabulary a little more than I would like. Somehow screaming it while punching something has helped release emotion that has needed to surface. Its certainly not the good little Christian girl outlet I would have chosen but you have to find what works right?! I was in the worst of moods and Phil had made plans with our dear friends Scott and Christa. I was ready to cancel the night and get in bed to forget the day ever happened. But I figured that wouldn't make it any better so we went. I am so thankful I did. God always gives us what we need. I was venting to them how distant I felt God was. How could he forsake me? Take me into this storm and leave me? I am holding on for dear life to his promises bc its my only hope of getting out of this whole on the other side. They encouraged me that that is what faith is for, to believe even when we cant see and that God never leaves us, we  turn from him. She spoke truth to a place I couldn't see. That when you get to this phase of grief you isolate and feel alone even though he is there. That God can handle all my F word rants and begs to be let into that place of my heart. All things I know in my head, but my heart needed reminded. We went bowling and laughed harder than I had in the longest time and it felt so relieving. I am so thankful to have friends and family who love me enough to speak truth. I know there is nothing you can say to someone going thru this sort of thing, nor do I expect anything profound. I just need people to love me thrubc they couldn't get on my schedule for weeks. God kept it at bay, even when one of my clients cried for me- I held it together which is pretty remarkable since I can hardly contain the tears most of the time. God showed up, he gave relief when I needed it most. I am so thankful for it. Thankful to feel him still near. I knew he was I just couldn't feel it. All the anger and sadness is still there as well. But for now that feels ok too.

So you know that feeling when you buy a new car and all of the sudden you see them everywhere??! That's been me with pregnant women. I never noticed it before, and now its like all I can see. Today was rough. I went back to work and all morning I had new clients I had never done before. While the distraction felt welcomed all I could think in the back of my mind was "The last thing I feel like doing right now is chit chatting about the weather."  I feel like I am spiraling down to a dark and unfamiliar place, and I don't like it. The days after loosing Corbyn felt so entangled with God's grace and presence I couldn't help but praise him. Somewhere along the last few days I have fallen into a dark hole, and I'm fighting with every last ounce of strength I have left to not let it swallow me whole. Fighting to hold onto that truth of God's goodness. Fighting to believe in his love. I felt it so abundantly at first, now it feels like a fleeting light I am chasing in the dark- trying to hold onto the last sliver of it. Even now, I wonder if sharing this is helpful. I want God to use this to bring him Glory, if it doesn't bring him glory it was all for nothing. So I feel like I have to hold it all together and be a Godly woman and praise in the storm. But right now my heart doesn't feel like praising. It feels like breaking and letting the sorrow overcome it. So do I be authentic and let God use me raw and real, or do I keep trying to put out what I think a Godly person SHOULD feel in this case? The reality is, I'm not holding it together, I am barely staying afloat. Tonight I got home late from work and I went in to say goodnight to Kinzley, who was still awake. I laid down and just embraced the moment. How many nights was I in a rush to get them to bed so I could get my much needed "Me" time on the couch? I laid there and I breathed her in, and studied the adorable precious features. She rubbed her tiny hand thru my hair. I cant even recall what she talked about but she literally had me laughing out loud. It felt so good to laugh. It made me sad for those moments I would have had with Corbyn. For all the cuts that only Mommy's kiss can heal. For the bedtime snuggles and sweet tender moments we would have shared together. My heart longs for them, and my arms yearn to hold her. I know God has a plan and he promises to use all things for good. I believe he will. But I hate that I have to endure such heartache to bring good. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will be what gets me thru this dark place. I am holding on for dear life to his promise that he will. But right now the sorrow feels like a deep dark wave that is trying to overcome me. I'm not sure how long my strength will keep me afloat. I know God can and will. Sometimes I just wish I didn't feel like I was fighting so hard to hold onto that reality. I want to feel it again. I know it says sorrow comes in the night but joy comes in the morning. Why does that morning light feel so far off?

Two weeks to the day. I went back to my OB for the follow up today. I talked to my sister on the phone as I waited in the lobby. All the distraction in the world couldn't have kept me from feeling the vacancy inside of me as I looked around at a room full of baby bumps. I wanted to look them each in the eye and tell them just how blessed they were and to enjoy every second. As I sat in the same room I had waited in 2 weeks before, I looked out the window at the dark sky. The rain seemed fitting for my mood. I could hear the doctor talking in the next room and the heart doppler tracking a tiny heart beat. What I would have given to hear that sound in my own room. I kept trying to pray and give my feelings to the Lord but I was just overwhelmed by the feeling "It wasn't supposed to happen this way." I was supposed to be in there having the the ultrasound to determine the sex so I could pick out paint colors for the nursery. The dr came in and we talked for a good while. I held it together better than I thought I would until she asked me if I felt depressed, if I needed a prescription for anything to help. Maybe something about admitting I need help makes me feel weak. I dont know. She tried to explain the best way she could that she wanted to wait for the results of Corbyn's autopsy before we move forward but that there was some abnormal blood clotting in the placenta that COULD be cause for concern but we wont move forward with exploring that until Corbyn's results and I was at least a month out from delivery so that my hormones could level out. Of course I asked all the worst case scenario questions and if it would be dangerous for me to get pregnant again. She told me I shouldn't even consider getting pregnant again for at least 3 months and until we know more. The next step would be to meet with a specialist to see if pregnancy would be a safe option. Phil of course heard the silver lining as he often does that finding this out now could be something that saved my life possibly. I couldn't help but focus on the part that there was any possibility at all that I may never feel the movement of a little one inside again. We have always talked about wanting to adopt, and I still have that desire. But there is something about the possible finality of never being able to have more kids that breaks my heart all over again. I know I go to the furthest extreme but I think thats my way of emotionally preparing for the worst and if its not that bad it will be a pleasant surprise. We should know the results from Corbyn's tests in the next 2 weeks. We had an Advocare event tonight. I seriously wanted to stay in bed. The thought of making chit chat all night just did not appeal to me, but we thought maybe it would be a good distraction. The first person we saw was an adorable pregnant girl in a maternity Advocare shirt. Ok, I can handle that. Then we saw another acquaintance and she obviously unknowingly said "Bekah, you look great! You don't even look pregnant!" When I told her "I'm not, we lost the baby," the look on her face was what I am dreading the most. People not knowing what to say and feeling so bad, then I feel bad- it just sucks. I start back to work tomorrow and am trying to prepare myself for many more of those moments to come. I dont want to have to manage people trying to manage me, even though I know their heart is coming from a place of love! Its once again another bitter sweet tangle of emotions.

An angry sorrow.

Yesterday was a difficult and beautiful day. A gentle slow dance between joy and sorrow. We were surrounded by our family on both sides at my moms. We planted a weeping red bud tree in Corbyn's honor. The kids blew bubbles, we prayed and thanked God for her short but meaningful life. We played worship music, and as a family we wept. Wept for the loss of the life that should have been. Possibly the hardest part was when my sister showed the pictures of Corbyn to my nephews. She told them "This is your baby cousin Corbyn. Shes sitting on Jesus' lap and someday you will all get to play together in heaven." I can't help but to wonder why. Was it that the timing was not right for us to have another child? He says he will never give us more than we can handle. Was I not strong enough to handle whatever her life would have brought? Which makes me feel like a failure that I could not handle whatever the Lord brought our way thru Corbyn. The moments were precious surrounded by the ones we love most. I felt blessed by their presence and yet all morning I could hardly hold myself together. I cried the whole time leading up to the event. I tried to manage everyone else around us, would they think this was strange to hold a memorial for a life that never was? I was thankful that once it began I felt nothing but love and support by the tears and sweet words of encouragement. My mom bought me a book written by a Christian woman who is married to the lead singer of the group Selah. Ironically, several people have emailed me to listen to their songs. Now I know why. They received the devastating news at 18 weeks that their daughter was "not compatible with life." They were told she would only live a few minutes after delivery. She describes the sweet moments of life, feeling her daughter move inside of her. How she soaked up every minute she could with her precious daughter Audry alive and healthy in her womb. How God used her story to reach so many. Today I reached the anger part of the grieving phase. Angry that so many loving families out there go thru the devastation of these situations, and how many terrible women out there who don't even want those kids keep popping them out. I have wrestled within trying to understand why? I have exhausted myself. I will never understand until I am in heaven holding my daughter. Phil said today "For the first time I feel true excitement about going to heaven someday. Until now, it has been such a far off unknown place, but now I know what is waiting for me and I can't wait to have her." I go back to work on Tuesday. I cant help but worry a little as I see my clients if I will be able to hold it together, or if they will ask why my baby bump is no longer there. Tomorrow is my follow up with my OB. I dread having to walk back into that office. Braxton is still asking to kiss the baby in my tummy every morning. And when Kinzley sees me crying she asks if I am sad because baby Corbyn went to be with Jesus. I worry that it will make her feel like she is not enough reason for me to have joy since I keep crying over the sister she will never know. I wonder when the tears will stop. When life will feel like its back to "normal." I want the anger to go. I want the sweet joy of knowing she is dancing the streets of heaven with our King, instead of selfishly wanting her here. I'm hoping this phase will pass quickly. I'm feeling the need to manage how long is an appropriate amount of time to grieve this kind of a loss...? Society says these things happen everyday and its time to move on asap. And yet, trying to explain that to the broken pieces of my heart are a whole other story. In my quiet times with the Lord I keep coming back to the realization that he is weeping the tears along with me. That his heart is breaking for the brokenness that has found its way to my heart. I know his healing will come and he will use this to shape and direct me. But I'm just not quite ready to get up and run the race just yet.

Physically drained

Today I felt the most physical pain yet. I was having full on contractions this afternoon. They say that's normal, your uterus going back down to size. I guess my body is ready to "go back to normal."  I told Phil this morning I am trying to let myself stay in the hurt, its the most natural reaction for me to want to just put everything behind me and begin moving forward. But I don't want to revert back to what I usually do, it has not worked up until this point for me! Even this morning I found myself naturally putting my hand over my stomach and it was a bitter reminder she is no longer there. I think today I was feeling the physical pain and the physical void of not having her there. Somehow the physical pain was like putting something concrete to the emotional pain. Like putting a face to a name. Some small part of me had the thought of wanting to get pregnant again as soon as we can, to pick up where we left off with Corbyn and still be excited for bringing home a baby. But I know that every other time I have tried to fill the voids in my heart with anything besides God, it does not fill any void at least not any longer than anything temporary. So I am trying to just let myself be, and let God teach me everything he has for me in this place. I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to have to learn these lessons again! This morning Kinzley came in while I was in the bathroom...she said "Mommy, when I grow up and have a baby in my tummy like you and she goes to Heaven like Corbyn..." I didn't even hear the rest of what she asked but I told her I prayed her babies won't go to heaven until they are grown and out of her tummy. Then Braxton came and lifted my shirt and all but demanded to give the baby a kiss, (this was part of our morning routine.) When I tried to explain the baby wasn't in there that she had to go bye-bye he got very mad at me. It just about broke my heart. On a brighter note of the day, we have felt so blessed by the continued love and support. The cards and meals and prayers have blessed us and our hearts. My wonderful mother in law brought over a beautiful little angel that now sits on the mantle. So sweet and thoughtful to have a daily reminder of Corbyn's presence in our life.  I was so touched today by my amazing co-workers. They pulled together and brought over some amazing gifts for us. Coloring books for each of the kids, an amazing necklace for Phil- so fitting for him. A cross and a dog tag with 3-28-11 on it. I know it is something he will always treasure and probably never take off. I was so blessed and touched that they not only thought of me but also my family. Wow. They brought me the most beautiful bracelet with a heart and a tiny angel on it with a little cross, also engraved with 3-28-11 on it. I can't even begin to describe how much it meant to me- to feel the love and support from the amazing people I get to work beside day in and day out. That they care that much about me to do such a thoughtful and meaningful gift for not only me, but my husband and children too?? It blows me away then generosity of these incredible people. I don't know if they will ever know how deeply it touched my heart. Its funny in the time of tragedy its always the people you never would have expected are the ones who step up and are your biggest cheerleaders. I would have been thankful for a card from them, which they also brought with an envelope of cash. Which will be a huge help while I'm off of work recovering. I just was so thankful for not only a generous gift but the heart posture behind it. Three of the girls from the salon came and sat with me today. They brought comfort and words of encouragement. They offered anything I need, to come clean my house, fold laundry, babysit my kids, wash and style my hair to help me feel better. It just literally blew me away. So thoughtful and so generous. I just cant help but to be thankful for the our pour of love and support for those around us. How many women lose a pregnancy every day, and our society just tells them to get back to normal. No time to grieve, no one to share the heart break or tears? I admit, I was one that heard "miscarriage" and thought how sad and unfortunate but these things sometimes just happen. How grateful I am to have so many recognize Corbyn's life and meaning to us, meaning to the loss of her life? The girls and I were talking today what a strange emotion it was to go thru child birth, what an amazing experience and even though hard you walk away thinking "WOW! I want to do that again!" (at least thats how it was for us). I feel so blessed that God still allowed me to go thru the birthing process. There is something empowering about it and what a gift that God let me have that moment! As sad as I  have felt in the midst, I can't help but praise him for all the blessings he allowed me. I was sicker than sick with both Kinzley and Braxton's pregnancies. I didn't get sick a day of this pregnancy. I can't help but wonder was that because there was something wrong and my body was not producing the proper hormones and thats why I wasn't sick or was it God's grace to let me enjoy every second of the 4 short months I got to carry her? It was such a gift to enjoy a pregnancy. I truly feel that God has given me peace about every question I needed answered this side of heaven. I know until I see Him face to face I will never fully understand but I am so thankful for the gifts and blessings he has given me. I feel like he has truly given me everything I needed. From a pregnancy I could enjoy, to still getting to deliver her. Hold her, have all the keepsakes from the hospital, all the validation from friends and family that her life mattered. To have a sense of joy and a heart of thankfulness is such an answer to prayer. You always wonder in the face of sorrow, would I still praise God or would it break my faith? He has answered questions I never hoped to have the answers to but his faithfulness is so good. His presence has been so available to me, so real. So many endure heartache and wonder "Where is God in this?" I am so thankful to feel him so near and that he has given me the tools I need to continue praising him. That song Praise you in this storm says "You are who you are no matter where I am." Thank heavens for that. This process has also aloud a closeness with my mom I have never experienced. Its been hard in the past for me to connect fully on a heart level with my mom. She is very strong, and I rarely have been able to see thru her strength to a softer place. But, throughout this process she has grieved right along side of me, cried with me and written beautiful words of support. She was with me at the hospital, held little Corbyn and been such a support and encouragement thru this process. To hear her say she is proud of me, has been so powerful. I feel God using this to break down walls in her too. She brought over a gift basket of beautiful flowers to be planted including "Forget me nots."  Her thoughtfulness and support thru this has meant the world to me. To be able to be vulnerable and real with my emotions with her has not been something that has come easy in the past, but now I feel a closeness with her I have longed for. What an answer to prayer. Its so interesting for me to see God use Kinzley to make me aware of the wall around my heart and Corbyn to help break it down! It has humbled me to allow my daughters to be such teachers for me, aren't I supposed to be the one teaching them?! And even how he is using me as a daughter to have break thru with my mom?! So amazing, and so sweet. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing all of this, but I can't help but praise God for it! I just want to thank you all for the continued prayers, letters of support and encouragement, beautiful gifts and kind words. It blesses and blows us away beyond belief! We love you all and pray that you know God's relentless pursuit of your hearts as he has pursued ours. ~A daughter and mothers heart.