A new day

Today was rough. I couldn't seem to get out of bed until after noon. I woke up at 6am with a tear soaked pillow and overcoming sorrow. I snuggled up to Phil and he held me close as I wept. I always have wondered what a tragedy would do to our marriage. They always say it either brings you closer or tares you apart. Being aware of this wall around my heart, I always felt the only way I knew to deal with pain was to retreat internally and shut down. Shut people out. I thought I had a total inability to open my heart, let anyone in, let alone let someone be a comfort to me. It has been such an interesting week for me, my biggest fear has come true, I am literally walking thru the very event that I feared would completely cripple me, and yet God's gentleness has been so available to me in the midst. Its like God is showing me a strength I didn't know he had given me, an ability to feel sadness, which I have never really let myself feel out of fear the the sadness would be all consuming and totally take me out. God says when we are weak he is strong, in my weakest of broken hearts he is giving me his strength and comfort in such a real and sweet way I can't help but to be thankful to Him. I have never felt closer to Phil, never felt my heart so soft to him or so vulnerable before my husband in my life. What a gift. Even in the name of suffering to feel such blessing, its such a strange vast of emotions. One of my hardest battles has been to give validity to my emotions, I have not allowed myself to feel them bc I can always reason why whatever I am feeling is not an appropriate feeling, or its judgemental or wrong in some way, "un-Christian" if you will. But thru this experience of loosing Corbyn, God has blessed me with such validity for my feelings. Letting myself just be in the sadness and feel it, be aware of it, not run from it and just let myself rest in it. Even though it has felt hard and of course sad, there is something that feels good about just letting myself BE. To be where ever I am at. God is just meeting me in such sweet intimacy in the deepest places of sorrow of my heart, and I can't help but be thankful for his presence and closeness, for his comfort. This morning I stayed in bed until almost 1:00pm. I drifted in and out of sleep and prayer. At one point thru my endless tears I asked God, "Why didn't you save her??" and he so sweetly and gently answered me.     "I did."  More tears. I can't remember how many times I have said I wish I could keep my kids protected in a bubble from the injustice of this world. How amazing that Corbyn is in the greatest "bubble" I could have ever put her in?! She will never have to feel the heartbreak or suffering this world has to offer. She will only ever know the perfect joy and peace that Heaven gives. How can I be mad at God for that? When I was trying to wrap my head around why he ever even let me get pregnant with her I had the overwhelming sense that he created her so that we could spend eternity with her. I was reflecting over all the moments we will miss out on with her, all the Christmas mornings, birthdays, proms, seeing Phil walk her down the isle to give her away. My heart will always ache for those lost moments, but God says we are but a speck of dust in the wind in the grand scheme of time. We will miss out on a short time together on earth but have eternity of a perfect life together. I couldn't help but think of all the babies that are taken before their time here on earth even begin. How many mothers experience this and don't have any children at home already. I realized how blessed we are to have two beautiful babies to hold and snuggle and hear their giggles and cries. But I also realized how bittersweet that blessing is, because we know how much we are missing out on with Corbyn. I know the joys of getting to nurse them, see them take the first steps and the first words. Cheering them on in their successes and comforting them in their heartbreaks. Seeing how much fun Braxton and Kinzley have together and wondering what Corbyn's personality would have added to their dynamic! I was so blessed today by my brother Ben. I had asked him to edit our pictures of Corbyn from the hospital. I wasn't sure if he would be comfortable editing them, or if he would be insensitive and think they were gross. But he was so gracious and sweet. It blessed me so much. I have been so thankful for all of the words of encouragement even about this blog. Having people recognize and validate Corbyn~a blessed and heavy heart

Strength

Today, I woke up feeling a little more ready to get out of bed. I thought I would feel like moping about, but I knew that would only make me feel more sad. Phil woke up feeling angry today. He said he needed to punch something, either the wall in our room or the punching bag at the gym. I requested the latter. The kids were still with his mom and I thought maybe just getting out might help. Phil punched the heavy bag until he threw up.  I took my Ipad and found the farthest treadmill in the most secluded corner and walked at a slow pace. My pastor/brother in law encouraged me to listen to his sermon from this past Sunday. It was entitled "Desperate for Jesus." Fitting enough right?! So I walked slowly and let the words carry my heart to a sweet place of intimacy with Him. He met me there. They say when we are weak, he is strong. I am finding that more true than I ever hoped to have experience. Then I went to some worship music that has seemed to be just what I have needed the last few days. I am sure the women near by must have thought I lost my mind. I closed my eyes and mouthed along to the words that have brought such comfort. The tears flowed freely and at points I found it hard to contain the weeps. They must have thought I needed committed or something. But I didn't care. Those sweet pockets of feeling Christ so close, I would act a fool for any day. I have been reflecting over the last week, seeing Gods merciful ways he has been preparing my heart for this, though I had no idea in the midst that he was doing such a thing. I started seeing a counselor a few months back. I began to realize a while ago that something was not quite right in my heart. I became aware of a wall I had built around my heart to protect myself. I was sexually abused as a young teen by a person who was supposed to protect and love me, and when that trust was betrayed it sent me down a quickly unraveling path. I made choice after choice trying to find something to ease the pain. All it did was take me further from the Lord. Thankfully, he was relentless. He wasn't letting me go that easily! He chased me with a ferocity until I just couldn't fight him anymore. And I have spent ever since relentlessly trying to chase after him. All that to say, I began seeing Holly a few months back to help me process thru all of this and especially my wall of self protection, that not only kept people out, it also kept me in. I was ready for freedom. Skip ahead to last week, I was for the first time in a long time in a really good place! Her words exactly were this, "I don't want to cause you fear or even speak this into existence, but I feel like God is preparing you for something big, that this is the calm before the storm" This however was not the storm I was anticipating. Sunday night (the evening before all hell broke loose in my world) we were watching Army Wives. The one character lost her son. Phil and I were both crying thruout the whole show and talked at length when it ended about how loosing a child has to be the greatest pain on earth. I told him, I could never loose a child I would not have the strength. The ironic part to all of this, in my blogs and in my heart I feel incredibly weak and broken. And yet so many have reached out inspired by my "strength" Its only by the grace of God that I can even get out of bed to function. Any strength that is shining thru my words of brokenness come straight from Gods mouth to your ears. Today when we went to see Holly together we talked thru a lot. She encouraged me to get in touch with my anger, if and when it comes. Even anger with God. I have a hard time getting there. You know the example of life is like a puzzle, God sees the whole picture and we only see a tiny piece? I guess thats part of why I can't get angry with God yet. I have to believe this was Gods provision for us. Maybe saving Corbyn
We got to spend the day just snuggling and loving on the kids. It made me appreciate the preciousness of those moments. The hospital gave us a tiny pink bear about the size of a beany baby. They laid it next to Corbyn in the pictures, she was the exact same size as the bear. We showed it to Kinzley and explained it was Corbyn's only snuggle friend. It has blessed me to see how special that little bear is to Kinzley and especially Phil. He has been carrying it around in his pocket with him. Something so sweet and gentle about seeing a grown man snuggling a tiny pink bear. We have been so blown away by the love and support of our friends and family. We have been so blessed by all the flowers, card, gift baskets, and meals that have been sent. Even my clients from the salon have babysat my kids, offered to let me come over and they will pamper and wait on me! And sent cards, voicemails and words of encouragement. I can't believe I have the privilege of having clients so generous and amazing. Our friends and family have been incredible. We feel so blessed and loved. Thank you for the continued prayers. We have felt them overwhelmingly. I have a fear that as the days pass and the dust settles, the encouragements slow and life must go on that that will be when the uphill battle for me truly will begin.  ~His strength in my weakness

An empty space

As I laid in the hospital bed waiting to be discharged, I felt a sadness knowing that when I walked out those doors, it would be an ending. And ending of a dream, of plans and hopes for our family and future. I kept being plagued by the thought that this wasn't how this was supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to trying to find a name fitting for a dead child. Leaving with an empty womb, empty arms and broken heart. Phil read somewhere that it would be good to get a bear or something to hold as you leave the hospital, that there is something about not leaving empty handed. He brought me a bear wrapped in Corbyn's blanket. The chaplin came in to explain everything. They would do an autopsy to rule out any genetic abnormalities and hopefully find any reason as to why, though they usually find nothing. Then they would have her cremated and we could pick up the tiny urn in a few weeks. He apologized for all the paper work and what he had to read aloud to us so we would understand what all would happen. He kept emphasizing that when she is cremated that she would be alone. No family would be in attendance and no belongings to be burned with. I had the overwhelming comfort of knowing that she won't be alone. Jesus is there with her. Even though I know her spirit is gone there seems something so wrong about her tiny body being all alone. I was so thankful for all the steps they took to honor her as a baby. I didn't expect any of that. The day nurse Heidi was so wonderful. She made little bracelets with Corbyns name on them, one of us and one for Kinzley and for Braxton. They made us a keepsake box with pictures and her footprints and some words of comfort. Once all the paper work was done they insisted I be escorted out by wheelchair. We were in the last room of the labor and delivery hall. They never moved us to recovery, I'm guessing knowing it would be too painful to be on the floor with all the babies. They wheeled me thru the hustle and bustle of a busy and exciting commotion of a busy delivery floor. It felt like the worst walk of shame ever. Being wheeled thru the delivery floor with my little box and stuffed bear. The elevators opened to the gift shop full of huge "Its a girl" balloons. It was so sad to leave knowing that was the end. I went in for a routine checkup and left a day later totally broken. The doctors told me I was in the less than 5% that this happens to and there are usually no answers. I wasn't sure how much Kinzley would understand of all of this. When my mom was taking her home last night they stopped in the bathroom. A lady was in there, Kinzley was in the stall. The lady said "Man this full moon brought on a lot of labors! Lots of new babies tonight!" From inside the stall Kinzley said "Not my mommy's baby. She went to heaven but her body stopped working so she is with Jesus but they still have to get her out of my Mommy's tummy." I guess she understood more than I gave her credit for. We have been so overcome but the outpour of support, love, prayers, encouragement, flowers, meals...etc. What a blessing to be surrounded by all of that thru such a trying time. God says he will never leave us. I know he is grieving right along side of us and that his heart is breaking with mine. Matthew 5:4 tells us Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. I am trying to let myself feel the grief of the loss. To give myself the freedom to feel the hurt and the pain and not just shove it down and distract myself, which is my normal go to. Loosing Corbyn was so much more than just the loss of a pregnancy. So much more than just a miscarriage. Its the loss of a future. When I look at Kinzley and Braxton, I can't help but wonder what the course of their lives would have looked like with a little sister. All the years of memories they would have shared. All the giggles, and tears and trouble they could have gotten into. All the late night talks she would have had with Kinzley about boys and school drama. I think of the closeness I have been blessed to share with my sisters and my heart breaks that Kinzley and Corbyn will never know that bond. It is so hard to understand why these things happen. I have felt waves of anger over all the unwanted children out there who are cast aside. God gives healthy babies to cracked out moms who don't even want them everyday. Why give us the blessing of a pregnancy, of a baby girl we wanted more than anything and then let it be taken? I took a shower when I got home and put on some worship music to have some time with Jesus to just cry and let him comfort me. The song "Praise you in this Storm" came on by Casting Crowns. If you have never heard it I would encourage you to listen to the words. One of the lines is "I praise the God who gives and takes away. I will praise you in this storm" I am feeling so thankful for his mercy to still be able to praise in the midst of such heartache. I don't think I will ever hear that song with the same heart posture again. One of our plans was to have a baby sex reveal party at the end of April. While on vacation with my whole family we were going to have a cake made- either pink or blue so once you cut the cake we would all find out together if it was a boy or girl. So many plans we had that will never come to fruition. Tonight my sister Natalie and her husband Joshua brought us dinner and a small cake in honor Corbyn's "birthday." She wrote a beautiful card to Corbyn. I'm so thankful to have so many people willing to honor her and her life. I think the dogs must know something is going on. They keep following me like a shadow, whining at my feet. Amazing how they have a sense about these things. I sit here tonight by candle light, listening to worship music that hits a little too close to home and my bruises are hurting. They are putting a physical pain to the emotional turmoil inside my heart. I'm scared for the bruises to heal, that somehow by healing I will loose her all over again. I know she would want me to have joy knowing she is in heaven and being taken way better care of there than she would have had here. But I just feel such sadness that she will never know me. Never know my mothers love and heart to protect her. Right now I am so overcome by my fathers love and mercy from above. Please keep the prayers coming as I know the following days and weeks will continue to be an uphill battle. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I pray God somehow uses these words for his Glory.

Tiny Angel

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. At this time yesterday, I just finished getting my first maternity massage and was heading to the doctor for my routine 16 week checkup. I had my precious little Kinzley with me (almost 4yrs old.) We went in to hear the heart beat on the doppler. A quick in and out visit. I was excited to schedule our next visit to have the ultrasound to determine the sex. We had already planned a "Baby Sex Reveal" party for the last week in April. Names picked and started designing what we wanted to do with the nursery. No heart beat. The Dr said "Lets go take a peek on the scan" Kinzley was dancing around and singing as soon as she saw the baby on the ultrasound screen. I knew as soon as I saw the screen there was no movement. She showed me where the heart beat should be, but was not there. I broke. Kinzley was so confused and they took her out to the front desk to color and wait for grandma. When Phil came in she was coloring and crying. She said "Mommy is sad, so I am coloring her these pictures for her. Once Phil was there and the kids were with my mom our Dr sent us straight to the hospital. We waited for what seemed like a year. They finally brought someone in to do another scan to confirm. The baby was gone. The specialist kept referring to it as "the fetus." They called it a spontaneous abortion. The term sickens me. And abortion is a choice. I did not choose death for my child. She was chosen and loved and wanted more than anything. Hours later they finally moved me into a labor room. It was explained they would give me medicine vaginally to soften the cervix and cause me to go into labor. They said the procedure would be extremely painful and they would recommend the epidural. So after hours of waiting for blood counts and enough fluid bags pumped thru me they were able to start the epidural. Now mind you by this point I have been poked 6 times by 4 different nurses or doctors trying to draw my blood and get an IV started. They blew 2 veins in each of my arms. I have some lovely bruises and swelling from all the attempts. They had to wait over an hr for the blood results and get at least a bag and a half of fluids in me to start the epidural. Just my luck the epidural only took on the right side and only from my thigh down. By 10pm they still had not started the medicine to induce labor. I was miserably uncomfortable from the half working epidural. My Dr called to check in and seemed pretty frustrated that I had been there since noon and they still had not started the medicine. So they went a different route for the medicine, one that I would not have elected to have the epidural for and since I could still feel everything anyway, it was SO frustrating. When I asked the nurse why they were skipping the first step (more painful one), she said she didn't know because she doesn't know what the first one was for...REALLY?!?! Why would you ever tell your patient you don't know what you are giving her or what its for???  They told me to expect another 24 hours of labor. At 3am they came in to insert the next dose of inducing medicine. When she did it, my water broke. A whole new wave of reality hit, and rushing emotion overtook.  The nurse called the doctor and explained what happened. Then I heard her say "I can feel extremities" What the hell did that mean. I started freaking out trying to emotionally prepare for what was coming. Was she saying she felt an arm- as in it detached from the body?"  Then the hard part came. They told me the baby was sideways and instead of my pushing her out, we should just let nature take over and she would come out on her own and I should call them when that happens. A whole slue of things ran thru my mind. So she is just going to fall out and be laying there and I just call you to clean it up and take it away like a piece of trash or something??? I hated that I just had to wait for her to fall out. No one there to receive or catch her. When I felt her come, I called for the nurse thru a fit of raging tears. I was too scared to look, too scared of her laying there in pieces. They scooped her away in a bowl. Phil heard the one nurse ask the other "You really think they are going to want to hold that???" Then they said "Its a girl" Another wave of emotion. Kinzley wanted a sister so bad. She kept saying we were only going to keep this baby if it was a girl and that we would send it back if it was a boy. She daily would ask Jesus to let the baby be a girl. They got her cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket and brought her to me. A very surreal moment. So tiny, so perfect, such a beautiful little angel. Her hands and feet were so perfect, nails and all. Her tiny little body, so fragile and delicate. Her little eye was half open. She has her Daddy's nose, just like Kinzley and BraxtonCorbyn Elizabeth. It means ascending to heaven with God. It seemed so fitting. Corbyn Couch has a nice ring to it. The brought in a tiny handmade knitted little bassinet for Corbyn to be wrapped in. Handmade with love no doubt, by some volunteer who will never know how much her labor of love blessed our experience to hold and snuggle our precious baby girl. Phil and I got to play worship music as we prayed over Corbyn and gave her back to Jesus. What comfort we have to know she is with her maker who will take care of her until we can all be together as a family again. Corbyn you will always be a part of this family, and your absence will leave a void that can never be filled this side of heaven. Someday we will have more understanding of why this happened but until then we will pray for peace and comfort as we mourn the loss of you. I am so thankful for the short time I got to be your mommy. I will love you always and commit to keeping you as a part of this family in our hearts forever. I love you Corbyn Elizabeth Couch. I am so thankful for the gift you are to my heart and for the short time we got to have with you. Love, your brokenhearted mother